Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Removing Toxicity From Your Life

Although most of the posts on this blog are going to be reviews, occasionally I'm going to post other posts. This is going to be one of them, it's going to be a bit of a personal nature. As most of you know from reading my posts I was involved in a relationship when I started this blog. He was very supportive of this new venture and very willing to assist with anything I needed for it. I appreciated the support. I felt like I had finally found someone that I could have a lasting relationship with that wasn't going to slut shame me or make me feel like I was less of a person.

We started dating back in August, the relationship lasted just over six months. There was a lot of red flags leading up to the break up that I really kept ignoring. I kept pushing them down because I have not had a great dating history and I was determined to make this work. Plus I never really recovered from having my heart shattered about 5 years ago.  So needless to say I was fine with ignoring the red flags and trying to force this to work. As with all toxic relationships in the beginning it was all sunshine and lollipops but as time went on it became less of a relationship and more of me giving more than I should be without getting what I really needed in return.

When the relationship first started he was so clingy it was almost annoying but I was like you know what he really seems to like me so I will give him a pass. As time went on though he started to with draw from me. Not a little but days would go on until I started to think that he was ghosting me then he would pop up like nothing was wrong. I spoke to him several times about how important it is to keep in contact. We lived a good distance from each other close to two hours with traffic. So in reality it would be very easy for him to actually have 2 lives. He was very much always talking about our future together including getting married. It was very easy to get swept up in the fantasy of it because he sounded so sure how life was going to be with his flowery words. About a two months before I broke up with him, I started to feel like something wasn't right deep in my core but I was trying so hard to ignore it. As I think about it now I feel a bit pathetic that I tried to cling to what I came to realize was a toxic relationship. About a month before the break up I received a random text message from the guy that shattered my heart. We had been good friends prior to dating and he didn't fully understand what had gone wrong so quickly and why we had completely stopped communicating. He needed answers and there were answers that I needed as well. To be very clear I was very upfront about being in a relationship, I was not going to ruin it because lets be honest I'm not getting any younger.

He in no way had to do with my decision to end my relationship. Although in a way talking to him made me start to notice things I had been ignoring. One example was I was in a minor auto accident about 2 weeks before the break up. I told my boyfriend about it and his response was well at least you only need a tire and a rim. He never asked if I was ok nor was he concerned about my well being, he was more concerned with damage to my car. My ex however didn't want to hear about damage to my car he wanted to know if I was ok. This was a wake up call for me. How in the hell could my ex care more about my current boyfriend who swore he loved me and wanted to marry me? I started making a list of everything that was bothering me. One thing that stood out to me was that he hadn't made any time for me in about 2 months. That was the first major issue then as I started to think of other things that made me start to think that maybe him and his baby momma weren't actually broke up. There were a lot of things such as I never met any of his friends or family, he wouldn't take photos together, he said he didn't have social media accounts but I found some. The list goes on and on.

When I tried to question him about my concerns he basically tried to turn it around on me that I was crazy. He always had what sounded like a valid reason but it was really a transparent reason when you started to pick it apart. He tried to take control of the conversation. Also wanted to know who would make me think things like this? He couldn't believe that I could see through his lies on my own. There had to be someone that was jealous of our love as he put it. He also felt that I didn't need anyone but him. He would have preferred me to cut all ties with friends and family so that I only had him. Which that in itself should have been enough to make me run for the hills if I had been thinking clearly. In the time since I broke up with him he has continued to text me and call me. He is insistent that we belong together. The tone of the messages go from him sending a normal text to a hostel to begging and pleading. I refuse to respond even to say leave me alone because I in no way want to give him any kind of encouragement. It took me a minute to remember that I am a strong woman who can take care of herself. I don't have to have a man in my life to feel complete but its nice to have one around.

There's a lot more to this that I could go into but I'm going to keep it vague, because I'm not trying to name names or point fingers. My main reason for this post is that I hope other people in the same position find the strength to find a way out of a toxic situation. It takes a toll on your not just mentally but also physically. I've noticed that my migraines haven't been as often since and my depression has eased up on me. Remember there are always people in your life willing to help you, even if you think you are completely alone your normally not. Its better to be single then to stay in a relationship that effects your health and is sucking the life out of you!! Your stronger than you think! You are loved!! You are important!! Never forget that!!!

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